Confessions of the Single One

When I was 19, 22, 24 I had a hard time accepting my singleness. I cried to more than one friend, soaked through more than one mentor’s shirt, and made more than one puddle on the carpet. My life was defined by singleness. 

In recent years I stopped letting the search consume my life. 

I still want AND plan on getting married. 

I just have gone from a helpless bystander to a partner with God when it comes to dating.  I don’t accept prohibition or inferiority based on my marital status. 

Then there are the rare days like today. I sat surrounded by six married couples, some who have been doing ministry together for close to 50 years. They walk into an unfamiliar room and into an unfamiliar crowd holding hands. When one doesn’t understand the material the other steps in.  You can visibly see one partner relax as the other steps forward. 

With no such luxury I hunted down every detail, asked every question, and urgently took notes. If I didn’t understand, then I would fail. The weight of such a heavy burden started stealing my carefully cultivated joy. 

I walked back to my room, overly aware of the hours I had to pass until an acceptable bedtime. Hours that if I was married, I would spend processing with my husband. We would talk about the day… about the people, the topics, the dreams.  My body began to shake as I shut the door, and the hot tears started rolling down my cheeks.  I felt the armor I didn’t even know I was wearing fall off. Here in the secret of my room I had to face the truth. I am a single woman starting a ministry and I am in way over my head.  

I pick up my journal to write my complaint, “It’s days like today that I wish I had a husband to process with.” The words were not even written when I heard the soft, sweet, safe voice of my Savior.  Full of compassion I hear, “Can I be that for you?” 

 And I remember. 

 I am not alone. This ministry is not mine, and my life is not my own. Every inspired idea has been His. Every wise choice has been His. Every open door has been opened by Him. Every miraculous provision was brought by Him. I am simply a conduit. 

Suddenly I am thankful. I traded my independence for holy dependence. My co dependence for glorious reliance. 

Now I can rest.