Old Tricks

Today I was walking in downtown Franklin and was stopped by a posse of teen girls. “Who are you?” the brave girl went on, “I can tell you are someone, but I don’t know who.” 

I laughed, partly at the awkwardness, partly at the irony. I had just left my Saturday morning routine of writing, much of which was spent lamenting my lack of purpose. My new job is a far cry from what my lifelong call is, and in the last weeks I have struggled to find value in what I am doing.  Over and over again, God and community have had to remind me that my identity is not what I do, it is who I am when I am just being.  

I smile at the group that is now gawking at me with eager expectation. “I am not someone you should recognize from a stage.” I see the embarrassment flash across the brave one’s face, and the snickers start to rise from those around her. Stepping into full teacher mode I continue, “It is significant that you asked though. I was just processing about my worth, and what value I contribute to society. There have been times in my life where I have had titles that I was proud of, but not right now. By asking me who I am it just clicked, my value isn’t about the title. It’s simply being me…like in this moment. So, thank you.” 

The group looked around at each other trying to figure out an appropriate response to the personal epiphany I just had. I turned around and practically skipped off to my next destination.  

I am reminded of a teacher that came to my first year of ministry school.  During one of the breaks I was about to walk past a huddle of people gathered around him. He pulled away from the group, stepping into my path.

“Who are you?” He asked. 

I put out my hand and introduced myself, “Nicole Poolman.”

“No, that’s your name, who are you?” 

 I nervous giggled, looked down, gave a half shrug, and mumbled, “I dunno.”

Then I ran to the restroom. 

I could tell dozens of more stories about times where I have questioned my identity, my purpose. Can I really just be myself and be valuable? 

Yes. The answer is yes. So why do I keep forgetting that? I know the scriptures; I know the teachings. I have read the inspiring quotes. I have a (growing) list of Godly Beliefs that I read every morning that tell me the truth. I wonder if the answer is not in what I know in my head, but what in my heart is blocking me from receiving the truth. 

I wonder if when I put up walls of stone around my heart, I sacrifice accessing who I am. I wonder if in the moments of shame, I hear lies rather than the truth of who I am. I wonder if in disappointment I have looked at my circumstances to answer a question that can only be truly answered by my Creator. I wonder if comparison and perfectionism have become welcomed guests in my heart. I wonder if in transition I have tried to redefine myself instead of carrying the truth of who I am with me. 

The enemy and the world, want to answer the question of who we are for us. However, it is a sacred question, one that can only be brought to our Creator. When Adam and Eve brought their question to the Creator, they walked in perfect friendship with Him. There was intimacy because their identity shared the same root. When the enemy questioned their identity, they faltered. A wedge was formed between them and Father God. I wonder if the enemy has overplayed his hand by using the same old tricks today.