Building Houses for Relationships

Boundaries are like houses, not walls. They create spaces for healthy relationships to flourish, not barriers to keep people out.  

People often speak about boundaries in a way that becomes a wall (or an end) in relationships. I believe boundaries are about finding healthy ways to let people in. 

My “yes” is meaningful because I have the option to say “no”. It is about choice. Without the freedom to say no, our yes loses its value. In today’s culture that is widely accepted, as it should be. 

Saying “no” is important, but so is saying “yes.” Let’s not let fear of broken trust barricade our relationships. Instead, let’s provide meaningful ways to engage and grow. As imperfect humans we will experience broken trust. If we board up doorways, we will have no mature relationships left. 

Broken trust is a scale, major and minor, intentional, and unintentional. Major and intentional broken trust demands a very different response than unintentional minor acts of broken trust. While both impact our relationships, there are different paths back to connection. We can’t build a wall where there is meant to be a door. 

 As a Christian I believe that I am called to love everyone. Even (and especially) those who it is not convenient for me to be in relationship with. 

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them… But love your enemies and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great.” (Luke 6:32,35)

So how do we have boundaries, but keep the doors open? 

Here are three phrases that I have found helpful to create houses for relationship, not walls: 

·      I am committed to healthy relationship. 

·      This isn’t healthy relationship to me, so it doesn’t fit into our relationship anymore.

·      A way that I would feel seen/cared for/loved is ________. 

What would you add?