Understanding and Managing Distress
One of my clients came to me last week, frustrated by her spouse who didn’t recognize the heavy load that she was carrying at home. When I asked follow up questions, she realized it was a similar pattern at her current job. And her previous job. And her job before that. She always was the one staying late. As I listened, I recognized the familiar pattern of martyr, accuse, grumble what are the Doer Life Language™ Distress patterns. In our session, we reviewed the Key Character Strengths and Qualities to Develop for the Doer Life Language. She left equipped with key phrases and things she can ask for when she is in distress again.
Distress flares and levels are an important aspect of understanding ourselves and others. These flares occur when:
A Filter Question is not being answered
A Need from Others is not being met
A Driving Passion is not being able to be lived out
A Key Character Strength is not to be celebrated (or even worse - called into question!)
By learning to identify and respond to distress signals, we can foster healthier and more effective communication.
Recognizing Distress Flares
Distress flares are predictable distress patterns. They help us identify what Life Language™ someone is speaking and how we can potentially help them return to a place of strength.
For example, if you are noticing that a co-worker is criticizing, eliminating, and taking over their Shaper Life Language™ is in distress. Sharing your plan with them, or supporting their plan, can help them operate in their strengths instead of distress.
Strategies for Managing Distress Flares
Understanding how to address distress flares can improve communication and relationships. Here are some strategies for helping someone out of distress—or managing your own distress.
Addressing Filter Questions
A filter question is so strong that people will listen, look, and even ask for it. To address unanswered filter questions, provide clear and honest communication. Perhaps you notice that your Producer Life Language™ is in distress and you are operating in Restrict, Over Organize, Withhold. If you take time to evaluate, you might realize that it is because you are unsure if one of your closest relationships is managing a situation well. Asking them, “How are you managing this?” Could raise awareness for them, or bring the clarity you are looking for.
Meeting Needs
Identify the specific needs of each Life Language and strive to meet them. If a person needs affirmation and connectedness take time to prioritize communication and relationship. Affirm who they are as a person, not just a task that they have done well.
Fulfilling Passions
Encourage and support the pursuit of passions. Create opportunities for people to engage in activities that excite and motivate them. If a person loves to innovate, give them room to do so.
Celebrating Character Strengths
Make it a habit to recognize and celebrate the unique strengths of those around you. This could be as simple as a verbal acknowledgment, a thank-you note, or public recognition. Celebrating these strengths boosts morale and reinforces positive behaviors. Remember, 80% of feedback should be specific and affirming..
Practical Tips for Everyday Use
For Yourself
Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to identify any unanswered questions, unmet needs, or unfulfilled passions.
Communicate Needs: Don’t hesitate to express your needs to those around you. Be clear about what you require to feel balanced and appreciated.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your strengths and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
For Others
Active Listening: Pay attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues that might indicate distress.
Empathy and Support: Show empathy and provide support tailored to the individual's Life Language.
Regular Check-ins: Make regular check-ins a part of your routine to ensure that the needs of those around you are being met.
Conclusion
Being an effective communicator is not about writing or speaking well. It is about understanding what others need and what makes them feel understood and empowered. By paying attention to unanswered filter questions, unmet needs, unfulfilled passions, and uncelebrated character strengths, we can help ourselves and others move from distress to harmony.
Remember, small actions and mindful communication can make a big difference. Whether you're addressing your own distress or helping someone else, these strategies can create a more supportive and understanding environment for everyone.
Take a Life Language Profile and see what your most common distress flares might be.
