Moving Towards Marriage

If ten thousand hours make you an expert at something I am an expert ten times over in singleness. 

However, life isn’t like that.

One of my hesitations with writing about singleness is that I am not married. I know, it sounds contradictory. While I have experienced singleness, I don’t know yet is how the way that I have navigated this season of life will impact my marriage. 

Today I write about singleness with that caveat. 

I used to think that being single meant I was in a season of waiting. That is not completely true. Male or female, moving towards marriage looks like something. I believe we can partner with God in ways that are honoring to Him, honoring to us, and I believe honoring to our future spouse. 

Practice Dating

I am starting with what I am least sure of first, and asking for grace. When I was in my late 20’s God started using this term, “Practice Dating,” with me. I was unsure of the meaning or the context, but what unfolded was a series of dates or men that each taught me something. 

The first couple of dates was with a wealthy accountant. God showed me that even wealthy businessmen can be attracted to me…a not currently wealthy minister.

The second man that I met was incredibly attractive. I realized that I had taken rejection from the past and assumed that I would end up with someone “less attractive.” YUCK! It totally revealed a piece of my heart that was hurting. I was holding myself, and therefore others, to a broken standard.

Practice dating continued to teach me to trust the process of dating, the importance of being myself, how to communicate clearly, and how to let go and have fun. 

Becoming Me

Even writing this I am feeling the sting of past comments. I know that as single people we hear about how this is a great time to grow as an individual or to work on ourselves. I have received this as someone encouraging me to make the best out of a bad situation. I have received this as a punishment for not being mature enough. I have received this as a consolation prize and sympathetic pat on the back. 

However, I have discovered that those (most likely) are just my heart hurts responding to a very helpful encouragement.  

I have watched a lot of friends get married. I know that marriage gives you lots of opportunities to sacrifice for another. I know that marriage teaches you about sharing, not just a home but your life. I know that healthy marriage demands healthy vulnerability. 

Being a big sister, friend, and pastor I have walked through the young adult season with hundreds of people.  Over and over again I watch as people discover who they are, what their passions are, and how to stand on their own two feet. 

People who get married young have to navigate both of these transitions at once…with another person.  I don’t think we give them enough credit. That’s hard. 

For those of us who have been single a little longer, we get can walk through these process with Jesus, not having to worry about another person. It is a gift, not a consolation prize. 

We don’t have to work harder than a married individual, we don’t have more problems to solve, and it’s not a game of issue bingo. Thinking like that just highlights a victim mindset (the idea that something in the world is against us.) Just like our married friends, we become the best version of us when we grow in our relationship with Jesus. When He highlights something He wants to address in our life we willingly surrender.  

By redirecting our focus from finding someone to going through our own journey, we dismantle the idol of marriage and allow God to transform us. 

Growing in Community

One of the biggest lies I have faced in singleness is that I am alone. It’s simply not true. (And I am not talking about God always with us.) Loneliness does not have to be a part of our singleness journey.  The truth is I know a lot of married people who battle loneliness. Even more so, I know married people with kids that face loneliness. Actually, I have had several married friends confide in me that they feel exiled by singles when they get married.  

What if our bitterness is actually pushing away the very thing we are looking for? 

What if our single time is an opportunity to partner with God in developing healthy community? 

As I mentioned, marriage is a journey in sacrifice and considering another. These don’t have to be lessons exclusive to marriage or family. We can actually take healthy community into our marriages. 

Holy Dependence 

In my first blogpost* about singleness I wrote about when Jesus invited me to let Him partner with me in a role I thought my future husband should be filling. I traded my co dependence for reliance on Jesus. After I posted, I quickly had a great friend and a sister in law who expressed that this wasn’t something that went away with marriage. Actually, it demands even more intentionality. In marriage, you have someone to use as a crutch. There is someone that can temporarily fill a hole that only Jesus was meant to fill. There was an opportunity to choose a counterfeit savior instead of the One True Savior. 

As someone who is currently single, I have opportunities to choose other types of counterfeit saviors. I am tempted to turn to co dependent relationships, manipulation, or even in my own performance. 

However, we can partner with God in developing a relationship with Jesus that is deep and vibrant. We can partner with God in learning to come to Him first. I believe that Holy Dependence is the most important thing that we can cultivate in our single years. 

This is my list right now, today. However, there have been many invitations and questions Jesus has asked me over the years. I know that there will be more. Jesus will invite you to go on your journey with your own set of invitations. Let this list be a conversation starter with God. 

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

*Read Confessions of the Single One and Thirty, Flirty and Thriving