Thirty, Flirty and Thriving

He looked over to me, “If we are both not married by the time we are 30 I will marry you.” 

We laughed at the absurdity.

Thirty. It seemed so old to our 16 year old minds. I didn’t have any dating experience at the time, but surely by the time I was thirty. 

Singleness. 

It’s the most vulnerable topic that I could write about. For years it consumed me, defined me. I lived like the spirit of loneliness had to be a part of my story as long as singleness was. It stopped me from being able to truly celebrate, and tainted some of the greatest years of my life. The idea of writing about it is daunting. 

I am finally in a place of loving my life, and seeing all the gold that this season holds. I want to get married. In fact, I probably am partnering more with God in moving towards that than ever before. However, the hook of bitterness has been pulled out. 

It wasn’t always like that. My younger brother was the first one to get married in our family. Being the first, my dad gave him the beautiful cake server that had been passed down from my grandparents. I am embarrassed to say that right there in the middle of decorating for my brother’s wedding I broke down. Years of suppressed disappointment overtook me, and I started crying. I wanted to be happy that my brother was marrying the most wonderful woman on the planet, instead I was crying over a spatula. I felt pathetic. 

One of my favorite things to do at my grandparents house was to play pool with my cousins. I  wasn’t any good, but it made me feel grown up. Each holiday the same questions would be asked.  No, I wasn’t dating anyone. No, there wasn’t a guy.  Yes, I liked someone, but it he wasn’t clear in his intentions.  It was the family equivalent of sitting in a chair at the solan. 

For whatever reason I let these experiences and many more tell me that I was missing out because I wasn’t married. To my credit, I was missing out on something. Lots of things, in fact. However, I let the things I was missing rob me of the ability to see all the things I gained.

Ten years ago if someone told me to to be thankful for this season I would have been irritated. Reflecting, I can see two leading factors in my frustration. First, I had an unhealthy view of marriage, I believed my spouse would complete me (although I would have never admitted this.) I couldn’t imagine being thankful for not having the thing that would complete me. Second, the individuals who were encouraging me to be thankful made it a condition on, or the reason I wasn’t married. It’s the idea of only when we stop looking that God brings the right person along. That’s just not true. People who are looking for relationships find love all the time. Bitter people looking for relationships find love all the time.

(Disclaimer: I have found that we attract the level of health that we are currently operating in. I am super thankful I didn’t marry another bitter person, but that’s another post for another day.)

I did not wake up one day and suddenly appreciate my season of life. For me it was a long process of slowly taking down walls and letting God address the (very real) pain I was feeling. I do wonder though, if intentionally thanking God for my season would have accelerated the process of enjoying singleness. Praise rewires our minds to come in line with the promises of God. We can actually change our brain chemistry by choosing gratitude. In my experience this has not brought about a spouse, but it has made me a healthier human. A happier one. 

If you want marriage but aren’t there yet, then I want to encourage both of us. We are single, not lonely. We are not married, but there are lots of other things that we are.  We don’t have a spouse, but we do have other things. Marriage isn’t go to complete us. So let’s partner with the one who is.