The Portal

I went for a hike and surprised myself by reaching out and touching a tree vine. The rough wood was a portal, and a scenes flashed in front of my eyes. I was a young girl again in the woods.  I was playing house. I was spinning around the tree. I was running through the deep leaves, laughing as they flew up and sprayed my face. I was shamelessly singing while standing on a fallen tree. 

“Take me back to the beginning, when I was young, running through the fields with you.” The first time I heard these words from United Pursuit, my spirit responded with such longing.  I asked Father what my field was.  I could see this picture of of myself as a child, riding my bike through the trails by my parents house.  I saw myself peddling as fast as I could, singing out at the top of my lungs.  Again, I experienced the innocence and freedom of a child uninhibited by the cares of the world around her. 

Where did that little girl go?  How did she lose the simple joy, the freedom that she knew in the woods?  When did the quest for adventure become the quest for knowledge and acceptance? 

Someone recently asked me, “What would you like me to know about you?” The only things that came to mind were things that other people had told me.  I sat there scrambling for words, how did I become so disengaged with my heart? Disengaged from who I am? 

Lately I have noticed that I am trying to rebuild my life with an old tool set labeled yesterday’s understanding. It isn’t effective.  I am not the same person I was a year ago, and I don’t want to be.  I want to discover what I knew when I was younger. I want to know the confidence of a child, the absence of fear, the joy of adventure. 

The last months have been filled with new adventure.  I have returned over and over to the woods.  I have spun around new trees, walked through new rivers and creeks. I have hiked mountains. I devoted more time to writing and starting painting.  I joined a book club and went to the beach. I have learned to be present in my own life.  I am not a byproduct of my schedule anymore, but my schedule is a byproduct of me.

Knowledge isn’t going to bring wholeness.  Classrooms are not going to teach my heart to love again.  I need experience, passion and rest.

(Originally posted October 2016)